Snow White & Record Heat in Portland

Portland’s weather forecast for Saturday was for the first 90 degree temperature of 2012. What I wasn’t prepared for was the initial blast of hot air that hit my face as I walked outside to catch the bus. As I found out later, the temperature reached 102°, hottest day in Portland in three years, and all-time record for the date. I decided, rather than go to my usual wireless & coffee destination, I would go to the Bagdad Theatre & Pub where I knew they had coffee, wireless AND air conditioning. I did my thang for a couple (3-4) hours or so, and decided to head back home, put my laptop away, and head back out toward the Willamette River waterfront to take some photographs of a couple of bridges south of my previous locations.

As I was waiting to take the bus back to my house, I looked at the marquee on the Bagdad Theatre

 
and saw two provocative titles, “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter” and “Snow White and the Huntsman”

 

I had seen the ads for the Snow White flick, and wanted to see it, but didn’t have the spare change to see it when it came out a month ago. It was playing at 5:15, and my watch read 5:16, so I decided to pop inside to see if the movie had started already (sometimes they’ll show a reel of previews first), and also ask how much it would cost me. The guy wasn’t sure if it had started yet (it had, but just barely…) and it would only cost 3 bucks. I thought: I wanted to see the movie, it was only $3.00, I wouldn’t have to wait around– and there was Air Conditioning!
Kismet! (or something…)

Meh… The two best things about the movie were the air conditioning, and the 3 dollar admission. The movie began almost perfunctorily, with the exception of some gratuitous & derivative CGI F/X (like a mirror that melted into a being of reflective metallic goo, lifted from Terminator II)

 

I couldn’t help thinking they should have taken $50 our of the special effects budget and just gone ahead & hired a screenwriter. The dialog was purely cut ‘n’ paste, and the acting didn’t help matters. Charlize Theron (surely one of the most overrated actresses in Hollywood) chewed the scenery as the Ravenna, the Wicked Queen. The guy that played the Huntsman looked a lot like a guy who just won second runner-up in a Brad Pitt look-alike contest.

 And I have absolutely NO idea who thought it would be a good idea to cast the actress (I forget her name) who played the ingénue in that Silly Teen Vampire Romance™ franchise. Setting aside the question of an utter lack of acting skills– the one scene where she took a bite of the poisoned apple, and all she had to do was lie there looking dead and beautiful— and she couldn’t pull that off! She seems to have a grand total of one facial expression– that of someone who just stepped into a pile of something that smells very very bad.

The movie didn’t get going until the Seven Dwarves made their appearance, providing some comic momentum, and actually featured the best acting in the whole flick (led by veteran actor, Bob Hoskins). And anytime thereafter, when the dwarves were not on screen, the movie dragged back into its accustomed torpor. It was actually an OK waste of time, again, especially considering the heat outside and the air conditioning inside. It was also the first movie I’ve gone to in 2012 (although I went to see The Met’s production of La Traviata on IMAX at the Lloyd Center in May).